Entering the Wide World of Reality...Reality TV Style

Dear Bubbly Banshees,

My idea of the end of quality television as we know it.

Later, Gators.



"This Show Will Change Your Life"

"That's not gonna work," Fran said and resumed her scrutiny of the programming budget. She peered at Donald over her glasses.

"Is that all, Donald?"

Donald trembled with excitement.

"How could it NOT work?" he replied. He got up, gesticulating wildly as he repeated the description of his game show concept, bouncing around the room like a hyperactive hamster hopped up on adrenaline. "It's got drama! It's got comedy! It's got--"

Fran held up a hand, told him to take a breath, and thought about her words before she spoke in a measured voice. "Your show, Donald, involves filming random people going about their daily business being slapped or punched by contestants on your show. It is--as you said--Candid Camera meets Wheel of Fortune meets Fight Club. Are they supposed to win something, your contestants? "

"Yes! Money! See, they spin this first wheel, right? It lands on a dollar value, say $500. Then they spin another wheel that lands on a person type, anywhere from a toddler to an elderly man. Then they spin a third wheel. That lands on the challenge that they have to complete to win the money. This could be anything from kissing the person, or kicking them in the shin, or giving them a wedgie! Nothing is taboo, nothing off limits. Hell, maybe we'll give them a padded whiffle bat and have them go to town in a schoolyard. Or better yet, a paint ball gun!"

"But," he continued, his eyes as big as saucers, "here's the best part: we film it. We put them in a van, drop them off in the city, and they have five minutes to find the right type of person and perform the selected challenge. Then the audience votes to decide if the contestant wins the money. At the end, the contestant with the largest amount on money amassed wins!"

Fran leaned forward and pressed her fingertips together, forming a triangle. She pursed her lips.

"Let's put aside the obvious PR problems and lawsuits that would undoubtedly surface. What happens--if for some crazy reason--you get a contestant with a conscience who refuses to trip an old man or throw a water balloon at a baby? The show is sunk. There's no show if there are no challenges to be filmed."

Donald beamed. "Ah. I thought of that," he said, tapping the side of his head. "If anyone refuses, they can forfeit that turn, but the other contestants can steal it. If there's more than one taker, then we sort it out with a trivia round. Then whoever gets to attempt the challenge can win double the original cash value!"

"So, what you're saying is that not only does the show ask contestants to harm innocent people for money, but also actively discourages normal decent human behavior?"

"In a way..."

Fran adjusted her glasses and clucked her tongue.

"I'll discuss it with the others," she said.